Depression is a funny thing. You can feel completely fine for days. weeks, or months at a time until something happens and you descend into the deep dark hole that you’d fallen into before. It’s overwhelming. I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I would act out, usually with anger, towards the people I loved most. With time and finding a passion, I subdued these episodes. Lying to myself thinking it was over because i was “truly happy.” But then I’d fall back into that hole and it would feel as if everything in my life is going wrong.
When I discovered backpacking in college and then thru-hiking after, it felt like my whole life had changed and I could handle the darkness. I’ve felt the highest highs while out in the wilderness on my own, but its not something that transcends to everyday life. I feel as though I’ve accomplished amazing things, things that others only dream about, but I still have to come home and go to work everyday like everyone else. it’s hard not to feel inadequate when i’m not climbing mountains or walking across the country or sleeping under Mount Everest. Inadequate at my job, inadequate with my friends, inadequate in relationships.
The truth is you can’t always be climbing mountains. I can’t constantly be setting lofty goals and completing them. What I can do is set mini goals. And going to bed proud of something I did that day is huge in the fight against the dark. I just think I have a skewed view of goals and i’m generally too hard on myself. A text from a family member helped me realize that everyone fails and everyone feels low at times. What you do after that is what makes the difference. Do I wallow in self pity and disappointment?
I’m going through a low point right now. So instead of sitting in the darkness and complaining about not being able to see, i’m going to start climbing up. I’m going to focus more of my attention on what I need to be happy and not what others think makes me look cool. Take more time for self care and less time drinking with friends. Its a process and I have no idea if its going to work but i’m going to try until I get to that high again. Nothing lasts forever.